All of my life, I've only associated being pregnant with morning sickness and emotions. Most of my friends had babies in their early 20's and apparently when you're young, it doesn't quite do the same things to you when you are in your 30's. Except if you are my sister. When she was pregnant at 30 and then again 2 years later, she NEVER got sick. I never heard her talk about any crazy, "I hate being pregnant" side effects. So, that is all I've ever had to compare pregnancy with. One of my friends who recently had a baby did mention slight heartburn. A little heartburn? I can deal with that. HA! So, I'm here to break it down and get real with you. I won't give every detail because that would just ruin the surprises for all those future
Disclaimer: I can't speak for all women. The extreme ridiculousness I have gone through could be because there are two little people inside me. Also, if a "poop mouth", as David calls it, offends you, please stop reading here!
1. Morning Sickness. I've always heard "morning" sickness. My mom said that when she was expecting, she would eat breakfast, get sick, and go on with her life. Morning sickness my ass. Whoever came up with that term should experience what a lot of women go through and then maybe reconsider their terminology. I was nauseous every. single. waking. moment for weeks 6-14. I hated foods. I hated smells. I pretty much hated life for those 8 weeks. Just the thought of chicken (especially shredded) and broccoli made me sick. There were times when it would even wake me up in the middle of the night. Mind you, I am not the most polite, lady-like up-chucker. David swears some exorcism shit was going down. He described me as the loudest person he's ever heard get sick. Why, thank you. There were times when David and I would be out driving around and we had to stop on the side of the road. Sorry to any passersby who witnessed this. I remember getting sick IN my car. One time, when my mom and I were out shopping, I got sick in her car. Luckily, I had a bag that time. Not so lucky in MY car - gross. I work in a small office and my lovely co-workers would always smile and act like nothing just happened after I, for lack of a better term, puked my guts out. I'm almost positive that they would all share the "What the hell" look with each other while I was praying to the porcelain God. I told David several times that I would never get pregnant again because I would never go through this again. God was laughing thinking "Oh I just gave you two at one time". My sickness got so bad that I finally had to get on the wonderful medicine called Zofran. Which leads me to my next pregnancy complaint.
2. Bathroom Issues. Yep, I'm totally going there and I totally didn't mean for this to be #2 - oh the irony. A side effect to the wonderful medicine mentioned above is consti. I call it that because it sounds cuter. Don't you agree? Anyways, there are so many side effects to medicines these days, I ignored the big red sticker on the front of the box that read "May Cause Consti" - I ignored that for only a few days. Now, I was taking this medicine every 8 hours like it said on the box because my nausea was so bad. After about 3-4 days, all I could think about was that damn sticker! Why didn't I listen?!?! Why didn't I just deal with throwing up on the side of the road for strangers to witness? Was laying my head on the cold toilet seat at work after so politely puking my guts out really THAT bad?? No....it absolutely was NOT that bad compared to this. F You Zofran for screwing my system up so bad I seriously thought I was going to die. Moving on...
3. Complete Exhaustion. I've always heard during the first trimester, you could be a little tired. A LITTLE tired, huh? I call BS on this. I would literally sleep for 8-10 hours at night and wake up feeling like I didn't sleep at all. I remember one morning while getting ready for work, I just thew myself in David's arms (dramatic, I know) and bawled because I was so tired and I didn't know how I was going to make it through the work day. I would sit at work and barely be able to keep my eyes open. I mostly looked like hell during these times (and mostly still do most days) because I was too tired to put makeup on or fix my hair. The closer I got to the 2nd trimester, I had some hope because I had read that women get a burst of energy during that time. And I did for about 2 weeks. Now, at 16 weeks, once again I feel like I could sleep all day. It's not nearly as bad as it was, but I could really use another burst of energy. Or maybe I could just go into hibernation for the next 5 months. Yes, let's go with the latter.
4. Heartburn. When I hear that term, I think of a burning sensation in the chest. Which is partly correct. Partly. What I failed to understand about this medical condition is that it has another symptom - or maybe people just misuse the word "heartburn" when what they are really referring to is Acid Reflux. Or as I now call it, "Not Normal, Disgusting, Gross Bull Shit of a Pregnancy Symptom". Food literally gets STUCK as it's traveling down your esophagus or whatever body part that normally has the function of getting the food TO your stomach. Basically, it becomes a lazy ass and says "Oh hey, remember what you just ate? How would you like to see how much of it we can get you to throw up?" I remember the first time this happened, I was like WTF just happened??? It's totally not fair. I can eat my favorite foods (chocolate, chips, FRUIT even) - really ANY food I eat - and this little lazy ass of an esophagus picks and chooses what it's going to let go down. Sometimes, it tricks me. I'll think life is all good for a couple hours and then I'm running to the nearest bathroom to experience my last meal again. Disgusting, I know. And you're welcome for sharing!
5. Emotional Roller coaster. Ok - this one I completely expected but I have to share some pretty awesome moments I've experienced. One night, I had to wake David up because I really needed a Sprite. It was like 3 in the morning. I felt horrible. I cried on our way to get a drink because I felt bad for waking him up. On Christmas day, 2 days after finding out we were having twins, I had a small meltdown on the way to my mom's. And by small, I mean crying for about 30 minutes. You know the kind of crying where you can't catch your breath. Yep - that was me. I was still freaking out about twins. One night, in the middle of going through #1 above, I started bawling because I didn't think I would be a good mom to twins. I was worried they wouldn't like me. I was scared I wouldn't be able to bond with both of them equally. I was worried about getting fat. Every possible ridiculous thing I could cry about at that moment, it was going to happen. There were times when David and I would be out and about and I would start crying for no reason at all or because I was tired of getting sick or tired of being tired. The phrase "sick and tired of being sick and tired" really hit home with me. I still have moments. Poor David just looks at me and wonders what to do. Then I had a breakdown moment because he just looks at me. I remember telling him just to hug me for crying out loud. I may or may not have jumped down his through during that specific crying fit. Again, poor David. I love you, honey :)
6. Hormone Freakout. My face looks like a teenage boy going through puberty. You probably think acne. And you are right. But there's more. A stupid, stupid, stupid "more". Let's talk about random black hairs popping up on my face in random spots. WHAT?!?! My hormones are COMPLETELY out of control. A couple months before getting pregnant, I went through a series of 6 chemical peels. My face looked the best it had looked in years. Then boom, got knocked up and face gets covered in pimples. I want the damn pregnancy glow...not the pregnancy acne for crying out loud!! And all my life I've dealt with facial hair due to PCOS. I discuss this issue here. With the TRIA, I had it all under control and life was great. Ummmm...nobody told me it would come back with a vengeance after getting pregnant. I mean, my hormones can't be that f'd up right?? Oh, but yes they can.
Even after going through all of this, I can say (now that I'm feeling a little better) that I am so excited about being pregnant! Especially being pregnant with twins. It's been a crazy ride so far and I'm not even halfway there. Can't wait to see what lies ahead and these babies are already grounded for all the issues they've caused me.